When my oldest was just a baby, and I first began coming to Adoption.com to frequent the chat room, the question I was most asked was, “what is your connection to adoption?” Basically they wanted to know how my piece fit into this puzzle they were trying to place together for themselves.
Often I limited my response to A-mom, or adoptive mother, but my experience with adoption goes far beyond just this basic tag. Although some of my life situations do not fall under the legal concept of adoption, they most certainly follow the patterns for loss, connection, and adoptive association in every other way possible, as do that of several of my family members.
Recently it dawned on me that perhaps people reading this blog would come away with a better understanding of what I am trying to share, if they also had a better grasp of what my total adoption related experience has been. I decided, since my list of “connections to adoption” is really a long one, that I would provide a mention about a certain connection, and how it relates to adoption for me.
Please bear in mind that some though some of the “connections” are not mine specifically, because the person mentioned is a family member of mine, the things they experienced does have a direct relation to how I sometimes view adoption in my life today.
The most likely place to start here would be with my own parents.
My mother, whom I would consider to be an adoptee. She was raised from the age of five by her step-mother, and had limited contact with her biological mother. She reunited with her as an adult, but often reported feeling as though they were strangers. She considered her step-mother her mom.
My biological father, who is more like a birthparent to me. Always distant and abusive, he left the picture early when my parents divorced. As an adult I reunited with him for a brief time, but found we had no connection, and we have no relationship today.
My step-father, who I consider my father. He himself was a “non-legalized” adoptee. His biological father died when he was five, leaving his mother alone with seven children (ok, and he was also an orphan). His mother placed him in the foster home of an elderly couple who were family friends. She never returned for him, and he remained close to his foster parents, considering them his mom and dad. He did reunite with his biological mother as an adult and remained close to her and his siblings till he passed away in 2002.
My siblings, two of whom are adoptees. Their adoptions were open with the extended family of their birthmother. Our whole family was very close with their biological grandmother, aunts, uncles, and cousins. As adults they have reunited with their birthmother, although it is not always an easy relationship.
My middle brother is also a birthfather, having four children who were placed in closed adoptions.
Ok, and then there is ME. My aforementioned list makes me a conglomeration of some of the following possible things (remember some of these were not legal, but only in essence of experience).
Adoptee
Daughter of an orphan/adoptee, adoptee, and birthparent
Adoptive sibling, experiencing open adoption with my sibling’s birthfamily
Birthfamily member, an aunt who lost two nieces, and two nephews to closed adoptions
Adoptive mother, parenting three adoptees in various degrees of open adoptions.
And so…. if my writing seems somewhat schizophrenic at times, you have a concept of why.
Some people might argue that some of the associations I mention do not fit into the “legal” concept of adoption, but I will tell you regardless of that, the emotions, loss, and inherent complexities are in fact the same. Even though some of the mentioned connections are not “mine” specifically, they definitively had the same type of impact in my life. Adoption style experiences go well beyond the basic three corners of the triad, and the effects have long reaching arms through the generations. Because of who my parents were, how they were parented, how they chose to parent, or not parent me, and with which siblings and extended family they included, all had an impact on who I am in essence today.
I was raised by adoptees, and orphans, parented with adoptees and birthparents, turned into an adoptee, and birthfamily member by their connections. I later chose through my experience to become and adoptive mother, to raise adoptees, and to include birthfamily in our senario.
All my pieces of the puzzle, that is my connection. For so many of us answering the question, “what is your connection” goes far beyond any simple notions of the tags of adoptee, birthparent, and adoptive parent. Next time I am in chat, and someone asks me this question, you will know why it takes me so very, very long to give my answer.
My friend Coley’s adoption connection…
The Cliff Notes Version of my Adoption Story
Other related posts…
Wearing More than One Adoption Hat: Adoptee and Birthmom Part 1 and Part 2
Wearing More than One Adoption Hat: Birthmom and Adoptive Mom Part 1 and Part 2
Wearing More than One Adoption Hat: Adoptee and Adoptive Mom Part 1
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